Rules Without Relationship Equals Rebellion

Rules without relationship Equals Rebellion

“Little Johnny won’t listen.”

“Suzy has tantrums every day!”

“Peter talks back all the time!”

Sounds familiar?

We can focus on the behavior all we want, but if you are missing this one key ingredient, we’ve missed the mark completely.  Relationship. Rules without relationship equals rebellion.

Each child demonstrates rebellion based on their own style of communicating.  Some are more passive or passive aggressive (subtle, sneaky, or manipulative behaviors) and some are more aggressive (hitting, shouting, straight up “in your face disobedience, etc.) 

Where do we even begin if we are seeing these kinds of negative behaviors?

How often have we looked at our child’s behavior and felt confused or saddened by how bad it is?  If you are anything like me, possibly even taking it on a personal reflection or attack on us?

If you are experiencing negative behavior in your home, let’s just take one child at a time.  Examine – what is the current status of your relationship with that child?

Answer these few questions as honestly as possible:

• What does the room feel like when it is just you and that child?
• Are you finding yourself overwhelmed by this negative behavior?
• Are you possibly even finding yourself not like being around or resenting this particular child?

Ouch. I know, these are not easy to answer.  If you have ever struggled with negative feelings about your child, don’t work, this makes you a normal parent.

Now, what to do?  We do not want to live like this anymore, do we?

**Hang in their momma!  It’s time to reinvest your focus on building the bond between you and this child.

Maybe you’re thinking, “Andi, you don’t know my child.”  Or “You don’t know just how hurtful or annoying, or disobedient, etc. my child can be.”

Yes, I can.  I have 4 of my own and have been the “you” there, too.

YOU: “Andi – How do I start building a bond back with my child?”

ANDI: “I’m so glad you asked!”

ACTION:

Start today, setting aside time and invest in quality time with that child.

DO NOT go spend a fortune on an outing or give them something material.  Children thrive on quality time. While most love gifts too, they don’t NEED gifts from you, they need YOU.

Possible quality time options:  **Just the 2 of you…

• Go to the local library and ask them to choose a book you will read together.  Let your child feel validated that they are capable of choosing a book.
• Board games or puzzles are perfect for any age.
• Go to the park.
• Go for a walk or bike ride.

If you are struggling with a teenager:

• Ask them to choose a show series that the two of you can watch together
• Spend time in their room, sitting on their bed, listening to anything they are open to sharing with you.  That’s right, LISTENING.  Only give them advice IF they ask you for it.

Remember to come back around to our initial focus:  Relationships.  Rules without relationship equals rebellion.

THE FOCUS:

You desire to be close to them and you enjoy being with them.  Work to make it as painless and comfortable as possible.  No nagging, just complete acceptance and love, regardless of the conflict you have been having lately.

What this IS NOT:

Typically, experts recommend that in order for relationships to improve, you must communicate about your conflict and work to identify the problem and a solution.  This is not this exercise! “Just be” with your child.  It does not have to be orchestrated, staged, or forced.

BUT…BUT’S:

“But Andi, I don’t have the time!”

Or 

“But, I’m too freaking tired!”

HOW DO I SAY THIS NICELY: A Relationship is a NON-Negotiable

Do not sacrifice this!  Time to reexamine priorities.  It’s possible something needs to drop off in order for you to make this happen.  Example:  Perhaps you come home and watch sports every day.  Could you and your child watch one together?  Maybe that child is open to you teaching them about it any may even fall in low with this activity with you.  (This is exactly how I became a huge NBA fan – watching it with my dad growing up!  Some of our best memories together were made on the court.)

GAME CHANGER:

It may seem silly that something as small as reading a book, playing a game, or watching a show together can be a “game changer”.  Expect positive change to occur in the relationship if you commit to this!

On the contrary, if you tell your child you want to do this and then not follow-through, be prepared for more conflict.  Your child needs to start building an improved relationship with you, starting with being able to trust your word.  Make this a part of your new routine, even in the chaos!  You may not be able to commit to a daily basis.  That’s ok.  If you skip a day, return to it the next day.  Maybe you’ll need to make it a weekly routine.  What ever you have promise. MAKE IT HAPPEN!

VALIDATION:

Now parents, if this sounds exhausting, let me reassure you. IT IS.  Remember:  intentional parenting is exhausting.  But, investing in the quality of your relationship with your child will be worth it!

If this article was helpful, please share with a friend.  If you are eager to hear about more topics that relate to parenting,”wifing,” living, join our email list and let me know! I am here for YOU!

Finally, I would love to share some great resources I have personally read and are my favorites in the area of building healthy relationships with your child.  Find them here:

• Book – Shepherding a Child’s Heart
• Book – The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind
• Quiz -The Love Language Quiz